Seriously, why isn't there one?

Two in a row for parks I haven't visited now. Who here's familiar with Cedar Point?

Weird island. Not-so-weird park.

Cedar Point is one of the oldest operating amusement parks in the United States, and is seen by many enthusiasts as one of the best parks in the country. Its' lineup of coasters is legendary, the kind that people won't shut up about. Without a doubt, it's one of the most popular tourist destinations in the Midwest.

However, even with all its' fame and glory, it lacks one important thing: a dark ride.

Yes, I'm shocked too.

How we got here

Who doesn't love beige?

Now, Cedar Point's had a few dark rides over the years. Keyword is had. There was a pirate one that seemed to just be their version of Pirates of the Caribbean, and one themed to the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake that they bought from the famously-defunct Freedomland U.S.A.

There most famous, though, was the enclosed coaster Disaster Transport, as pictured above. It was their attempt at making their own Space Mountain, and while no one really said it was a masterpiece, it still has a cult following. Watch this to get a sense of its history.

Okay, but why not build one?

Here's why.

Some years ago, Cedar Fair actually announced a partnership with Triotech to build more dark rides at their parks, which sounded pretty interesting. However, only two were built, and we've never heard anything ever since. Of those two, I have never heard anyone talk about Wonder Mountain's Guardian at Canada's Wonderland, and the closest thing to praise I've ever heard about Voyage to the Iron Reef at Knott's Berry Farm is Some Jerk with a Camera calling it "deliciously cheesy". So if I had to guess, the rides sucked, and Cedar Fair didn't want to continue the deal.

Plus, they don't want to focus on theming at Cedar Point, they just want to build coasters that are extremely tall and fast. At least, that's what it seems. So, to figure out what to do, I did what any sane person would do...

I asked Reddit.

BONE!?!?

"Now go ahead and eat that goop, Scrooge! It'll give you the Boney's sense of humor!"

You can see the whole thing here, but I basically just asked the folks at r/rollercoasters what they would do. I got some serious answers, some not-so-serious answers, one person just wanted an indoor, air-conditioned queue (valid). But what caught my eye was multiple suggestions for a Boneville ride.

For the unaware, Boneville is a town full of animatronic skeletons you pass by when you ride the parks railroad. It's an interesting, fun concept, and a dark ride centered around them could be fun. Whether it would be a shooter or not, fun or scary, I don't know. But I know this: the line will be air-conditioned.

But what do you think? Do you agree that the park needs a dark ride, and how would you make it? Feel free to comment or ask me on Twitter at @Colonel_Colin. Until next time, keep top thrilling those dragsters!

Life's a Beach

You know what time it is, folks! It's time for Colin to talk about another park that he hasn't been to! Yet again!

I don't know how they got a beach, it's not even on Lake Michigan.

Indiana Beach is an amusement park in Monticello, Indiana. Since 1926, it has offered thrills and delight to people all over the state, with classic attractions and some unique roller coasters to keep enthusiasts interested. However, probably due to incompetency from the recently bankrupt Apex Group, the beloved park announced earlier this year that they would not reopen. At least, that's what it seemed...

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN YOU TRIED TO KILL ME BUT IM BACK

"I thought you died!" "Yeah, but I got better."

Earlier this month, the park's Facebook page was updated with this image. The only thing this can mean is that someone, some company has bought the park. I mean, the mayor of the town was offering three million dollars to anyone who would buy it, and that's a pretty tempting offer.

So, once this whole virus thing finally calms down, and then the inevitable second wave comes, and then when that calms down, the park should finally be open again. Now, if the new buyer is smart, they'll probably want to put in some new investments, adding stuff. But what should they add?

Analyze This!

I've seen forests with less wood.

Currently, Indiana Beach is home to three wooden coasters: Cornball Express, Hoosier Hurricane, and The Lost Coaster of Superstition Mountain, which is a long name, yes, but it's cool. There's also two steel coasters: Steel Hawg, and Tig'rr Coaster. Yes, I spelled those correctly. My guess is that these will all stay. The woodies are all pretty unique, especially Lost Coaster, Steel Hawg opened this decade, so getting rid of it would be weird, and Tig'rr is a Schwarzkopf, and they'll have your head on a pike if you try and close one of those.

With the remaining attractions:

• Den of Lost Thieves is a dark ride that appears to need an upgrade. Sally Corp. is usually quality, so if they gave this a good refurb, they could get some magic back.
• Frankenstein's Castle is a haunted house, one that isn't only available around Halloween. That's pretty rare for parks, so it's for the best that they keep this.
• The Shafer Queen is a riverboat taking you around the lake. Nobody doesn't like riverboats.
• Various flat rides, a train, a chairlift, and a water park. So many of these rides are intertwining and interconnecting with each other, it would be a hassle to remove one, if any. So let's just keep them all for now.

So, with all of this in mind, what should we add to the park?

My Ideas for a Place I Haven't Gone To

Are you still hear, listening to my insane ramblings?

Another more family-oriented coaster may be a good idea. I mean the kind really little kids can ride. Expand your base. I think Chance Rides may be a good bet. You could even make it another weaving coaster that goes around the park, like they did with American Dream, except make the park not suck. Though if something more thrilling is preferred, that can work too.

Make sure the park is clean as possible. Boardwalk parks are associated with trashiness, and you need to avoid that. Ever read about how Disney keeps their parks clean? Do it like they do.

Also, I heard some people complain about a good taco place being shut down here? So probably bring that back. Good food equals good returns.

But what do you think? Have you been to Indiana Beach? What do you hope gets improved or added? Feel free to comment or ask me on Twitter at @Colonel_Colin. Until next time, keep on balling that corn!

(Bald man dances aggressively)

Now, you hear me usually talk about the likes of Disney or Universal on this blog, but, believe it or not, there are other amusement and theme parks in the world. I know, shocker.

I love Disney, and I've been there much more than I've been to other parks, but believe it or not, there is a major park not too far away from me: Six Flags Great America.

Home of big carousel.

So you may all be curious as to what I think of this place. Well, here are my thoughts on my local park!

The Rides

See that tall coaster? That's the best one.

Obviously, I have not been on every ride there, but I've still been on a bit of them, and they do have some good ones. For the sake of brevity, I'll just speak on some of my favorites.

Raging Bull- So far my first and only hyper-coaster, and it is very good. Most of these are just a lot of big hills, but this one is more twisty and compact. It's a breed all its own, and a masterpiece of engineering.

American Eagle- Pretty good, when you can ride it. The largest, tallest, fastest racing wooden coaster in the world doesn't always run as it should, closed for maintenance or only running one train, but still has a lot of fun in it, and I'd be pissed if it got an RMC conversion. I'm sorry, but that would take away what makes it special.

Whizzer- A small, rare Schwarzkopf model, with the only other like it in Colombia. It ain't the tallest, it ain't the fastest, but it's a Schwarzkopf, and that means it automatically kicks ass.

Oh, she's a beaut. One that I wish they made shirts for.

Justice League: Battle for Metropolis- The park's sole dark ride, and thankfully, it doesn't suck. It's more than a bit reliant on screens, but it's still generally well-made, and when there are set pieces and animatronics, they're done pretty well.

Demon- Okay, this is far from the best coaster ever. Arrow loopers generally haven't aged well. But this is the first coaster I went on that went upside-down, so it'll always have a special place in my heart because of that. Also, the theme song kicks ass.

The Food

From their website. Whatever this is, I'm sure it doesn't look as good when you buy it.

If you want a good, cheap meal at Six Flags, pack a lunch, keep it in your car, go to the park, leave around lunchtime and get your hand stamped, then eat at your car before heading back in.

This is not a joke.

I don't know if it's just because they're very deeply in debt, but Six Flags charges way too much for food. My twin sister still complains about two beers costing her $30. And no, the food is not particularly good. Just, try not to bother with it.

Merchandise

There are not a lot of good photos of their shops, so we're settling for this.

Even if the food sucks, the merch is surprisingly good. I mean, it's at least better than I thought it would be. I thought it would be not very good.

But yeah, shirts from Great America are of generally decent quality with some pretty nice designs. And they're fairly cheap, at least compared to the food. I've gotten two shirts from them so far, and they're both pretty good. I can't get pictures of them at the moment, but take my word for it. It's a good deal.

Final Thoughts

Also, this opened last year, but I didn't go on it.

Great America is one of the parks Six Flags puts the most money into, and it shows. There are definitely problems; yes, the food really is that expensive, and there a lot of crowds, though that can't really be controlled. But the ride selection is world class, with the only fault of it being that there's only one dark ride. But the coasters are great, which is probably most important, and the merch ain't half bad either. If you're in the Gurnee area, give it a shot. Just remember that you should probably pack your own lunch.

But what do you think? Have you been to Great America, and what are your thoughts? Feel free to comment or ask me at @Colonel_Colin on Twitter. Until next time, keep raging those bulls!

Indo-vation!

Folks, we saw a lot of developments in the theme park industry last year. We saw Disney open up Galaxy's Edge, Universal open Hagrid's Bad Name Coaster, Six Flags Great America got As fast as it is short, Carowinds got Da Snake, Wonderland Eurasia opened and then closed...

So young, so turkish...

But one bit of surprising news was some dark ride developments taking place in Indonesia, of all places. Now folks, you know I love a good dark ride. I love Haunted Mansion, tolerate Justice League: Battle for Metropolis, and wish I could marry Rise of the Resistance. So it surprised me when I learned that some of the most ambitious dark ride projects in Earth right now are coming from some small indoor theme parks in Southeast Asia.

Like Universal, but tiny!

A foretelling of the beast that may emerge.

Trans Studio is a chain of parks owned and operated by Trans Corp, an Indonesian conglomerate formed in 2013. They own TV channels, shopping malls, restaurants, and more. They hold a lot of power. But let's focus on the parks. Many of them are small affairs, akin to family entertainment centers, but some go a bit bigger. Namely, the ones in Cibubur and Bali.

You see, last year these brand-new parks decided that they should each have a dark ride, as most sensible parks should. But not just any standard affair; no, they wanted to go big. And did they?

Did they ever.

One of the best Mecha Animes

From that movie you loved! And that sequel you forgot about!

How they got the rights, I don't know, but they came up with something on the scale of the big-name park groups. The premise is that you're going to an exhibit about the Jaegers, some kind of lame edutainment thing, except, as always, things go horribly wrong. Except kaiju are attacking before you even get on the ride. You have to go backstage and get on a ride vehicle to escape. You then get attacked by one of the kaiju, and crash into a closed dark ride.

And now you have to go on foot.

You ever wanna walk through a kaiju corpse? No? Well tough shit.

I've been on Deviantart long enough to know where this is going...

If you want to read about what else happens, check out Escape Authority's article here. As far as I can tell, this is the first dark ride based on a Guillermo Del Toro property. Hopefully not the last either.

But that's not the only insanity they've accomplished...

Vexed Maxine: Anger Street

"GAS! GAS! GAS!"

Meanwhile, Trans Studio Bali has another dark ride, known as Road Rage: Wasteland Escape, is a thrilling ride that was almost certainly designed with Mad Max in mind, but they couldn't get the license.

Now, a lot of modern dark rides have a preshow, and you gotta keep that interesting without being too boring. So how do you make a long wait exciting?

An escape room.

"Why would there be a laminate on a postcard? Who does that?"

Yup. As part of the line, you have to solve a brief escape room in a makeshift prison cell, with hints provided by a sympathetic guard. Two different forms of immersive entertainment have made sweet, sweet love and made Road Rage.

But wait! There's more! The ride also uses live actors throughout to enhance the experience. Most rides with actors use one or two, mostly to do spiels, like The Great Movie Ride or Jaws. This one uses no less than more than half a dozen separate actors to enhance your post-apocalyptic escape.

"If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die historic on the fury road!"

Again, if you'd like even more details, check out another article by Escape Authority here.

In summation: Daaaaaaaaaaaamn.

I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't've even known this group existed 5 or 6 years ago, but they've proven that they have the design skills to pay the design bills. Keep an eye out for these guys, folks: they're going places.

So what do you think? Do you like how they're rides look and sound? Is there anything you hope they can do? Feel free to comment or ask me at @Colonel_Colin on Twitter. Until next time, keep stacking those stereos!

What in God's name is going on in New Jersey?

Now, those of you who live in North New Jersey and New York City may already be familiar with the background of American Dream Meadowlands. I've never been in that area, but I follow theme park news, so I'm familiar with what's been going on there.

Pictured: A Shitshow.

The history of American Dream is complicated, and others have likely covered it better than I could. The gist is that it's a mega-mall project that's had trouble getting finished for the better half of two decades. Parts have only begun to open recently, the first of which we'll cover, because this is a theme park blog.

What Could've Been Gold

That's... a lot of blank white walls you got there.

The Nickelodeon Universe theme park was the first part of the mall to open, sharing its' name with the original Nickelodeon Universe at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota. Both of these malls are owned by investment group Triple 5, so the recurring theme was expected.

This park could've had a lot going for it. Five coasters, one of which has the steepest drop in the world. Rides themed to a plethora of different characters, from our childhood all the way up to the present. And on top of it all, opening as the outdoor parks were closing for the season, meaning they could get money that would be impossible to get otherwise, thanks to its indoor vacation. This was guaranteed to print money.

As far as can be told, it hasn't. Why is that?

Full of Characters, While Lacking It

This is the Minnesota one, for comparison. Yes, I like this one more too.

The NU pictured above is just more vibrant, for one. There's a ton of trees, the floor is a blend of different colors, it's just generally bright and stimulating. The newer park just looks like the rides were shoved into a giant warehouse. It looks so much cheaper in comparison.

Some of the choices for theming are a bit weird too. I understand wanting rep for a lot of them, but it strikes me as weird that there are three Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rides, and they're all themed to the show that ended before this park opened, instead of the one that is now on.

Something particularly glaring to me is the lack of any dark rides. I know that seems superfluous in comparison, but I think a good park should have at least one. It can really help with theming, and with all the properties they have, having an idea for one would've been easy. But nope.

But that's not the worst of it.

The Worst Part (Outside of No Fiery Fist-O-Pain)

Fuckin' missed opportunity.

The worst part is this.

Criminy-jim-jam.

If the link is broken, or the price has gone up even further, that is $69 (nice) for an all-access ticket, $59 for limited access, and $44 for late entry. New Yorkers are have money, but they're not all wealthy. And for reference, here's what tickets in Minnesota cost. $38, and they don't even have as much competition. Meadowlands does.

"But Colin, you snack," you say to yourself, "Can this be fixed?"

Well, yeah. Just solve the problems addressed, and they'll be a lot better. Nobody wants to go to a sparsely-decorated warehouse of rides for $69 (nice). Maybe they'll learn their lesson, and things will improve.

Then again, looking at their water park tickets, that lesson won't likely be learned soon.

But what do you think? Would you go to this park? What do you people from that area think of it? Feel free to comment, or ask me directly at @Colonel_Colin on Twitter. Until next time, keep slimin' those celebs!