"GREAT GOOGILY MOOGILY, IT'S ALL GONE TO SHIT!"

Folks, I've been to a lot of parks. And by that, I mean I've watched a lot of POV videos on YouTube. And I'm always interested when an upcoming whatever tries to do a new and interesting plot, y'know, if they have one.

Sure, it's thrilling, but where's the story?

With all of the dark rides, simulators, and enclosed coasters I've watched, however, I've begun to notice a pattern in their stories. Allow me to show you what I mean:

Location: I dunno, some park.

You've come to this park to experience the thrilling new attraction, A RIDE! Before you board though, there's a preshow by the delightful Professor Such-and-Such and his animal sidekick, Jerkwad.

"Oh, I see you guests are all here to experience the whatever-invention that I made!", the Professor says, in his hilarious mannerisms. "It's sure to be a blast, where absolutely nothing will go wrong!"

"I'm funny!" says Jerkwad. You laugh like everybody else in line, but deep down, you know he sucks.

Visual approximation of Jerkwad.

So, you get on board your vehicle and it seems all fine and dandy, but OH NO SOMETHING'S GONE WRONG! We're being attacked by an earthquake/dragon/evil prince/alien/asteroid/robots/insert other here! We gotta get outta here! OH NO, NOW THERE'S A helicopter/giant fish/gremlins/Reaper from Mass Effect/Borg/Broly/insert other here! Oh, thank goodness! Professor Such-and-Such and Jerkwad have saved us!

"Y'all come back now, ya hear?" they say, as you laugh along with everybody else once again, because you desperately want to be accepted by society! And you leave the ride into the gift shop so you can buy Jerkwad merchandise.

I have, admittedly loosely, described the plot of many rides that have stories. You're a guest and/or visitor, here to experience something that definitely won't go to shit, only for it to go to shit.

I got receipts!

Look, I love this too, but even good stuff has its flaws.

Now then, here are attractions, past and present, that use this kind of plot:

• Star Tours (Various Disney Parks, Incompetent Pilot)
• Expedition Everest (Animal Kingdom, Yeti)
• Dinosaur (Animal Kingdom, Take a wild guess)
• Body Wars (EPCOT, White Blood Cells)
• ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter (Magic Kingdom, An alien)
• The Great Movie Ride (Hollywood Studios, Gangster/Outlaw)
• Star Tours: The Adventure Continues (Various Disney Parks, Depends on the films)
• Muppet*Vision 3D (Hollywood Studios, Waldo)
• Jaws: The Ride (Universal Orlando/Japan, Shark)

"SHARK! SHARK! SHARK! SHARK!"

• Jurassic Park: The Ride (Various Universal Parks, Dinosaurs)
• Kongfrontation (Universal Orlando, King Kong)
• Skull Island: Reign of Kong (Islands of Adventure, King Kong again)
• Back to the Future: The Ride (This and the next 6 are Various Universal Parks, Biff Tannen)
• The Simpsons Ride (Sideshow Bob)
• Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem (Turbine)
• Revenge of the Mummy (Imhotep)

And, to an extent, Brendan Fraser.

• Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey (Dragon, Spiders, Whomping Willow, Dementors...)
• The Amazing Adventures of Spider Man (Various Villains)
• Terminator 2 3-D: Battle Across Time (Terminators)
• The Funtastic World of Hanna-Barbera (Universal Orlando and Various Cedar Fair Parks, Dick Dastardly and Muttley)
• Jimmy Neutron's Nicktoon Blast (Universal Orlando, Yolkians)
• Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts (Universal Orlando, Death Eaters)
• Popeye and Bluto's Bilge Rat Barges (Islands of Adventure, Bluto)
• Wild Arctic (SeaWorld San Diego and Orlando, the Weather)
• Questor (Busch Gardens Tampa and Williamsburg, loss of power, I think)
• Akbar's Adventure Tours (Busch Garden's Tampa, Monsters, I think; No ride film remains)

Get on this, Lost Media people!

• Monster Mansion (Six Flags Over Georgia, THE MARSH)
• Bermuda Triangle (Movie Park Germany and Sea World, It's in a volcano, Dumbass)
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye (Disneyland, who the hell looked at Mara?)
• Honey, I Shrunk the Audience! (Various Disney Parks, GEE I WONDER)
• It's Tough to be a Bug! (Various Disney Parks, Hopper, who's voiced by Stanton instead of Spacey)
• Mass Effect: New Earth (California's Great America, Reapers)
• The Curse of DarKastle (Busch Gardens Williamsburg, Evil Ghost-Wolf-Prince)
• Verbolten (Busch Gardens Williamsburg, Vines, Evil Spirit, Storm, Big Bad Wolf)

The scariest part is the lack of a conclusion to the narrative told in the queue!

• Italian Job Stunt Track/ Turbo Coaster (Various Cedar Fair Parks, Helicopter)
• Space Shuttle America (Six Flags Great America, Postponing the apocalypse)
• Tomb Raider: The Ride (Kings Island, the Hindu goddess Durga)
• Mystery Mine (Dollywood, Haunted mine)
• Firechaser Express (Dollywood, Fireworks)
• Blazing Fury (Dollywood, Fire)
• Fire in the Hole (Silver Dollar City, Fire and Baldknobbers)
• Iron Man Experience (Hong Kong Disneyland, Hydra)
• Mystic Manor (Hong Kong Disneyland, Magic music box)

Friggin' monkey...

• Big Grizzly Mountain Runaway Mine Cars (Hong Kong Disneyland, Poorly run mine)
• Ratatouille: The Adventure (Walt Disney Studios Park and, soon, EPCOT, SkinnER!)
• Mickey's PhilharMagic (Various Disney Parks, Donald Duck)
• The Amazing Ride of Gumball (IMG Worlds of Adventure, Science Project)
• Star Trek: The Experience (Las Vegas, Klingons in one part, Borg in the other)
• Stormrider (Tokyo DisneySea, Storm)
• Journey to the Center of the Earth (Tokyo DisneySea, Badass lava monster)

In awe at the size of this lad. Absolute unit.

And I'm sure there's others, but I wanted to stop the list before it got redundant.

But Colin, you handsome devil, how do we fix this?

Well, there ain't much you or I could do, unless we get jobs as Imagineers, but I feel we'd need some design degrees if we want to get hired. Otherwise, we can't really control much of the way attractions are designed. I'm sure that if we get entry level jobs at Disney, or Universal, we can work our way up. We'll meet up at the Walker Bros. on Roselle Road to discuss it on Saturday Morning. No- come by my house, the public musn't know. You find cheap airfare, I'll look at apartments.

Feel free to message me on Twitter at @Colonel_Colin if you have questions or thoughts. Until next time, don't look at Mara, stay out of the marsh, and don't rent from sketchy motor tour companies located near the Black Forest!

Christ, it's been a while.

I need to write here more. It'd be easier if I lived in Orlando, or Southern California, but I live in Chicago. Only parks here are Six Flags Great America and Santa's Village. Slim pickings.

Anyways, let's talk about some big news: Disney is finally gonna be buying most of the assets of 20th Century Fox, mainly their movies and TV shows. This means they now own the X-Men films, The Simpsons, etc. As the only blogger on the internet, it's my job to discuss the effect this could have on the theme parks. You're welcome, all of those who read my blog (All six of you)!

The Universe Expands

Yes, he probably won't get a ride. A man can dream, dammit.

Thanks to the purchase of the X-Men Cinematic Universe, Disney can finally have all of Marvel in their MCU. And that means more theme park material. Easy ride idea would be based around the X-Mansion, it's some kind of visitor's day, but then it's attacked by Magneto, or Doctor Doom, or Toad, or The Blob, and adventure ensues. I could name a lot of rides, where something goes horribly wrong, but you guys probably wouldn't be too interested in that. Just- just know that if the ride has any kind of plot, and it isn't just retelling a preexisting story, then odds are, something will go horribly wrong. That needs its own post.

I can't think of a clever title. Animation!

If the end goal isn't this in real life, then what was the point of this purchase?

Disney now owns all of Fox's non-news shows, including The Simpsons, Family Guy, and Bob's Burgers. I think that, out of all the tie-in possibilities, the best would be building an actual Bob's Burgers. I know, it's a bit of a stretch, but it would kick ass, that's for sure. If only because I can't figure out how a King of the Hill ride would work, as awesome as that would be. I feel the BB tie-in would easy, cheap, and could make some good returns. We gotta think about this from a financial standpoint. And honestly, this is probably the most well-liked cartoon currently airing on FOX. It's got a lot of potential to work.

The Movie-Making Elephant in the Room

The Marvel characters and their trademark three-wheelers!

Now for the problem with all of this: Universal's contracts. It's already well-known that Disney can't include non-Guardians Marvel attractions east of the Mississippi River, so owning Fox's Marvel film rights could cause a change. Especially considering that Disney also now owns The Simpsons, meaning that Universal Orlando resort now has two of its lands in jeopardy.

Yeah, this is awkward now.

I have no idea what the contract is with Fox properties, but in any case, it's understandable as to why Comcast tried to make a last-second bid. Unfortunately for them, Disney wanted it more. This, combined with the negative reception of some of Universal's newest attraction, means that they're likely facing some hurdles right now.

But what do you think?  Let me know by commenting me, or asking me on Twitter at @Colonel_Colin. Thank you for reading, and hopefully, it won't take me another six months to update this thing!

IAAPA pun!

School and general laziness have prevented me from updating this blog too much, but I think it's necessary for me to talk about IAAPA. For those of you who don't know, IAAPA stands for the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions. This marvelous expo shows off all kinds of new technologies, products, and innovations. It's like an NMRA convention! Y'know, the National Model Railroad Association? You've been there, right? No? Oh. Oh God, I'm so alone.

The Disneyland of trades shows. Partly because I'm pretty sure Disney's shopped around here.

Unfortunately, I was not able to attend, as I do not have the money (If you want to support me, leave $5,000 in an unmarked brown paper bag on the corner of Cicero and Rivercrest at 1:50 AM). Still, I'll try my best to cover some of the new releases unveiled at the show. Because who else will? Well, I mean besides better, more well-known, successful theme park blogs.

Insert "Ocean Man" Here

"That's your solution to everything: to build a ride that goes underwater. It's not gonna happen."

"Not with that attitude!"

Arguably the most unique concept showed off at IAAPA was the Aquaticar. This Jetsons-looking ass contraption is meant to be installed at water parks and resorts. With a blistering top speed of 2 miles per hour, this attraction will allow guests to travel underwater while keeping their heads dry, cuz' not everybody has the breathing skills of a freediver. Jokes aside, I think this is a capital idea, and it's nice to see a cool new idea in the amusement industry that doesn't involve screens.

Shut Up and Drive!

I can't think of a relevant off-roading quote, so... whatever.

Dynamic Attractions has proven to be quite the up and comer in the industry, doing stuff from the the KUKA arm vehicles for Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey to the new trains for the Disneyland monorail. Now they've shown off a new off-roader ride technology that could turn out to be a real game-changer. This ride system is designed to work both indoors and outdoors, and while they're aren't any official installments just yet, they've teased a G.I. Joe ride that uses the technology. Hopefully it won't be based off the live-action films.

Now, I originally had a bit more to talk about, but I lost a lot of my progress, and I wanted one more thing out before the end of the year. If you want to hear more, feel free to ask my Twitter here. Thanks for reading, and have a happy new year!

Give her the D...23.

I know, I know, I know, I said that I would be working on those posts about rides getting replaced, and how I'd update more. I'm aware of that. But consider this: D23.

It's the most, wonderful time, of two years...

Yes, I know I'm late to the party. But I have a good reason: I'm lazy.It would probably be illegal for me to not talk about the many, many, many crazy surprise announcements, not to mention the stuff we were already pretty sure were happening. Any way, let's dive in.

Nice model, but don't these usually have trains running about?

Oh, mercy me!

A model of the new Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge was shown off, and... the Star Wars stuff would need a whole 'nother post, but what's important is that this is cool, the First Order ride vehicle is cool, Rex's return is cool, Hondo Ohnaka is cool, the hotel is cool, it's all just kickass.

The Obvious One

Skyway 2: No, you still may not spit over the edge.

I discussed the impending gondolas in a previous blog post. The new Disney Skyliner, as it's called is to connect EPCOT, Disney's Hollywood Studios, and the Caribbean Beach, Art of Animation, POP! Century, and Riviera Resorts, the latter of which was also announced at the Expo.

They have not announced when this system(which will hopefully be safe against hurricanes) will open, but hopefully it will be soon, so that we'll have another option to get around other than bus.

MAGICAL, ONE-OF-A-KIND DISNEY EXPERIENCE!

The One we kinda already knew was gonna happen

Please just try to make this about energy, too...

In a move that of course rustled the jimmies of many a Twitter account, it was announced the Ellen's Energy Adventure attraction(Winner of the 'Wait, this still exists?' award) would soon be closed to make way for a new attraction based on the smash hit film, Guardians of the Galaxy. What reasoning did they give for this? Apparently, Peter Quill visted Epcot when he was little. So did I, but where the hell is my attraction? It would have so many trains!

Well, at least they actually gave a reason. No clue what a modern-day racetrack is doing in the land of the future.

Naturally, people are complaining about the addition of another IP in EPCOT, even though EEA was based of Ellen's long-cancelled sitcom and Bill Nye the Science Guy. I've already given my thoughts on the matter over on Twitter, so head over there, but I still hope that this is done right, and that the complaining and whining will eventually die down.

The One we heard about just a little bit before it was official

"I love you. I guess we're gonna meet my parents tonight. Uh-oh, I burned the cheese! IF YOU DIE IN THE GAME YOU DIE FOR REAL!"

Just a few days before D23, several anonymous sources reported that the Tommorowland Speedway attraction at Magic Kingdom would be replaced by a copy of Shanghai's Tron Lightcycle Power Run. And while it is coming, the Speedway will stay, so Tomorrowland won't lose it's last opening day attraction. Otherwise, it looks like it'll just be an exact copy of the original. And if you've seen the original, then you know that that ain't a bad thing.

The One with the rat voiced by the awesome guy

Finally, a ride with a character voiced by this guy.

Speaking of imports, the highly successful Ratatouille: L'Aventure Totalement Toquée de Rémy(Ratatouille: Remy's Totally Zany Adventure) from the Walt Disney Studios Park at the Disneyland Paris Resort is being added to EPCOT's France pavilion. The good news is that there will soon be a non-water ride added to World Showcase. The bad news is that doing this pretty much means that there is no longer any real motivation to go to Walt Disney Studios Park. There's a good reason why it's the least visited of Disney's 12 parks.

The One that's actually using our mascot for once

Anyone else surprised it took this long?

One of the more surprising announcements of the panel was a replacement for the aging attraction The Great Movie Ride at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railway will be a new dark ride based off the recent Mickey Mouse shorts. If you have not seen them, you should; they're funny as hell. While it hasn't gotten as many complaints as the Guardians ride, many are still upset. Look, The Great Movie Ride will be missed- hell, it's the only ride I know of that has both Casablanca AND Alien- but at least the company's mascot is actually the subject of a ride for once.

The One that's just Uber. That's it

Because nobody chooses to use the bus.

Perhaps the most bizarre announcement was a new transportation option known as the "Minnie-vans"- even though the above car is a Chevy Traverse, which is an SUV, but I suppose we shouldn't split hairs. It's a novel idea, I'm sure, but as theme park reviewer Tony Goldmark (kinda) pointed out, wouldn't a Cars tie-in make more sense. You add fake eyes and a mouth, have a special character narration as you're driving- I mean, they did this to the Disneyland monorails once, why not here? Disney should really hire me.

Unless you find it creepy, it's a pretty good idea.

The Ones that aren't rides, stupid

In case you're wondering what the price for both is, it's more than you can afford.

Our final Park announcements from the Expo- aside from Toy Story land news that was mostly just confirming stuff we already knew, Paradise Pier becoming Pixar Pier with no new rides, some parade stuff, and a Marvel land announced for DCA (with no details given on what it will have, when ground will be broken, or when it'll open)- are of two new hotels. The Disney Riviera resort is exclusive to DVC (Disney Vacation Club) members and will open in Florida. In addition, as I previously mentioned, it will be a stop on the Skyliner gondola system. The second was also the only announcement we got relating to Disneyland Paris. Their preexisting Disney's Hotel New York is getting a makeover to transform into Disney's Hotel New York- The Art of Marvel. These will truly be amazing new accomodations that I will never have the money for.

So, what are your thoughts on the D23 announcements? Feel free to say what you loved slash hated in the comments. Here's hoping I can actually be at the next one!

The rides, they are a changing.

So, uh... guess it's been a while. Forgive me if updates are less frequent, as I am no longer doing this for a grade. So, let's talk about change.

One of the big recent openings at a Disney park, as well as one of the biggest openings of this year, is the new Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission BREAKOUT! at Disney's California Adventure. Designed with help from movie director James Gunn, this new ride combines a drop tower with the randomized experience that's been given praise in Star Tours, alongside a kickass soundtrack and the film's original cast.

DCA's come a long way since Superstar Limo.

From what I've seen, this looks to be an all-around fantastic ride. And given the 300 minute wait times it achieved on opening day, I'd say the general public loves it too.

So, of course, there are a ton of fans bitching and moaning about change.

Allow me to explain: Mission BREAKOUT! used to be The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, a drop tower ride based of the classic horror anthology series, The Twilight Zone. For various reasons that you can look up, the California version has always been seen as inferior to the Florida version, which is still operating, Guardians-less. And Disney must have known this, hence why they chose to change the California tower.

However, there are quite a few people who can't afford to go to Walt Disney World, so they would still love the DCA tower. And there were a fair few who were not pleased with this alteration.

Now keep in mind, Disney's doesn't make all their choices to please specific fans. They're trying to appeal to the general public. And the general public really likes Guardians of the Galaxy.

Did...did they just forget how popular this movie was?

Sad to say, this is not the first time that this has happened. But to list all the times its' happened would need another post or two to really explain it. So, yeah, this is another multi-parter. Stay tuned to see me cover stuff from Maelstrom to Imagination!

What if we made Pocahontas, but the Native Americans are Smurfs?

So, I think I should bring up the elephant in the room. We are but a few days from the official opening of Pandora: World of Avatar at Disney's Animal Kingdom.

Yeah, I wish.

Judging from soft openings and previews, this land promises to be one of Disney's most ambitious and spectacular projects yet. And yet, many have questioned... why? Why Avatar? The film was successful when it came out, but that's really just because of the IMAX. I certainly don't recall seeking it out to rewatch it later on, and I believe I'm not the only one who did so.

And why Animal Kingdom? There were some cool creatures in the movie, sure, but they weren't the focus. The focus were the blue people.

This right here should be what Animal Kingdom is all about.

And many are annoyed that we're getting this instead of the never-built-because-Eisner-didn't-want-to-spend-too-much-money Beastly Kingdom.

Yeah, we almost got all of this.

I believe it really all comes down to hindsight. I'm sure Avatar looked like the next big franchise when Disney bought the theme park rights, and James Cameron still says that he has sequels in the works, but many doubt if those will come to fruition.

It's especially unfortunate when Zootopia was released last year and was a huge success, making over a billion dollars. And also being about animals. With a setting that many would love to see in real life.

See this? I want to visit this. I would pay good money to go to this in real life.

Now, I'm not saying Pandora is stupid; I'm actually excited for it. Early photos look promising and it just really looks like they went all-out to make it look as authentic as possible.

Not necessarily what we wanted, but that doesn't mean we won't enjoy it.

So will Pandora: World of Avatar be a loss, or a win? We'll have to wait until May 27, 2017 to find out for ourselves.

"Just say the word, ohhhhhhh, Stu-stu-studios!"

Props to whoever gets that title reference.

Anyway, as I previously said, there's a good number of signs pointing towards Universal building a third park in Orlando. Many have speculated about what Universal would put in this park, and I thought that I would give my two cents on the matter.

The Pokemon of the Wizarding World

Redmayne's biggest role, right after that Thomas and Friends movie.

The Harry Potter franchise is doing wonders for Universal right now, and of course they're going to want to capitalize on it's successful spin-off film and its four upcoming sequels. Y'know, I remember a time where a film had to first be released and make a lot of money before it would get one sequel. Things change.

Now, I've mentioned that a Fantastic Beasts ride might be replacing the Dragon Challenge roller coaster, but I think there's a good chance that it would be at this third park, if only because then Universal Orlando would have three different New York-themed areas.

And yet I can't thing of a single park that has a Chicago area! I can't be the only one who has a problem with that.

The Pokemon of... actually, just Pokemon.

It's a-me, a-corporate a-synergy!

It'll be some time until the Nintendo attractions are built at Orlando- they say their first Super Nintendo World will be in Japan, and that's going to open when the Tokyo Olympics happen in 2020, because Japan always gets the cool stuff first. I want real-life Mario Kart, darn it! Regarding the land that will be built in Orlando, many suspect that the Nintendo land will replace Woody Woodpecker's KidZone, because Universal forgets to try and keep some of its properties relevant. I mean, that place has a water slide and play area based on Fievel Goes West. You think any of the kids there have seen that movie? Chances are probably not.

The world has suffered because of how studios have treated Don Bluth.

However, they'd have a lot more room if they put it in a third park instead, and they wouldn't have to do demolition work. Not to mention if they did bulldoze KidZone, they'd probably get rid of the E.T. ride, which is the last ride at the park that's been there since opening day. Closing that would definitely enrage the purists.

I say there, monstrosity, do you know the times?

Yeah, don't you think these guys are kinda important?

One of Universal's classic licenses has been their Monsters franchise, entailing all their classic monster movies. However, they've never actually had a ride or land based off them. And it's not like these aren't well known; I shouldn't have to explain Frankenstein's Monster or The Wolfman.

Now Universal has had other stuff with them in the past, such as a cheesy, outdated music show with Beetlejuice (who also deserves better, by the way), a themed restaurant, and Universal Hollywood had a musical based on Creature from the Black Lagoon, which... uh... certainly existed, that's for sure.

Trust me, the less said about this, the better.

But still, there hasn't been a real ride for any them, and honestly, there is so much potential for one. Don't tell me there isn't! Seriously, don't.

An Animation Trifecta

The veteran that lost its power, the new blood with annoying marketing, and the art student can't make enough money at the box office.

Universal owns both Dreamworks and Illumination, and they've allowed Laika to show off some of their models and characters in the past, so they can easily make even more attractions based off these. But based on what? It's rumored that a Kung-Fu Panda attraction is in line to replace the not-too-popular Shrek 4-D at Universal Studios Hollywood. And they confirmed that a dark ride based on The Secret Life of Pets was in the works before the film was even released, because they knew that that would make a lot of money. They've got a lot of franchises to work with for a third park, and they'll probably be alright. So long as they don't include The Boss Baby.

Yes, Universal could do a lot with a third park if and when they build one. It'll still be a while before they're a threat to the Mouse, but one thing's for sure: they've got a lot to work with.