IAAPA pun!

School and general laziness have prevented me from updating this blog too much, but I think it's necessary for me to talk about IAAPA. For those of you who don't know, IAAPA stands for the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions. This marvelous expo shows off all kinds of new technologies, products, and innovations. It's like an NMRA convention! Y'know, the National Model Railroad Association? You've been there, right? No? Oh. Oh God, I'm so alone.

The Disneyland of trades shows. Partly because I'm pretty sure Disney's shopped around here.

Unfortunately, I was not able to attend, as I do not have the money (If you want to support me, leave $5,000 in an unmarked brown paper bag on the corner of Cicero and Rivercrest at 1:50 AM). Still, I'll try my best to cover some of the new releases unveiled at the show. Because who else will? Well, I mean besides better, more well-known, successful theme park blogs.

Insert "Ocean Man" Here

"That's your solution to everything: to build a ride that goes underwater. It's not gonna happen."

"Not with that attitude!"

Arguably the most unique concept showed off at IAAPA was the Aquaticar. This Jetsons-looking ass contraption is meant to be installed at water parks and resorts. With a blistering top speed of 2 miles per hour, this attraction will allow guests to travel underwater while keeping their heads dry, cuz' not everybody has the breathing skills of a freediver. Jokes aside, I think this is a capital idea, and it's nice to see a cool new idea in the amusement industry that doesn't involve screens.

Shut Up and Drive!

I can't think of a relevant off-roading quote, so... whatever.

Dynamic Attractions has proven to be quite the up and comer in the industry, doing stuff from the the KUKA arm vehicles for Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey to the new trains for the Disneyland monorail. Now they've shown off a new off-roader ride technology that could turn out to be a real game-changer. This ride system is designed to work both indoors and outdoors, and while they're aren't any official installments just yet, they've teased a G.I. Joe ride that uses the technology. Hopefully it won't be based off the live-action films.

Now, I originally had a bit more to talk about, but I lost a lot of my progress, and I wanted one more thing out before the end of the year. If you want to hear more, feel free to ask my Twitter here. Thanks for reading, and have a happy new year!

Give her the D...23.

I know, I know, I know, I said that I would be working on those posts about rides getting replaced, and how I'd update more. I'm aware of that. But consider this: D23.

It's the most, wonderful time, of two years...

Yes, I know I'm late to the party. But I have a good reason: I'm lazy.It would probably be illegal for me to not talk about the many, many, many crazy surprise announcements, not to mention the stuff we were already pretty sure were happening. Any way, let's dive in.

Nice model, but don't these usually have trains running about?

Oh, mercy me!

A model of the new Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge was shown off, and... the Star Wars stuff would need a whole 'nother post, but what's important is that this is cool, the First Order ride vehicle is cool, Rex's return is cool, Hondo Ohnaka is cool, the hotel is cool, it's all just kickass.

The Obvious One

Skyway 2: No, you still may not spit over the edge.

I discussed the impending gondolas in a previous blog post. The new Disney Skyliner, as it's called is to connect EPCOT, Disney's Hollywood Studios, and the Caribbean Beach, Art of Animation, POP! Century, and Riviera Resorts, the latter of which was also announced at the Expo.

They have not announced when this system(which will hopefully be safe against hurricanes) will open, but hopefully it will be soon, so that we'll have another option to get around other than bus.

MAGICAL, ONE-OF-A-KIND DISNEY EXPERIENCE!

The One we kinda already knew was gonna happen

Please just try to make this about energy, too...

In a move that of course rustled the jimmies of many a Twitter account, it was announced the Ellen's Energy Adventure attraction(Winner of the 'Wait, this still exists?' award) would soon be closed to make way for a new attraction based on the smash hit film, Guardians of the Galaxy. What reasoning did they give for this? Apparently, Peter Quill visted Epcot when he was little. So did I, but where the hell is my attraction? It would have so many trains!

Well, at least they actually gave a reason. No clue what a modern-day racetrack is doing in the land of the future.

Naturally, people are complaining about the addition of another IP in EPCOT, even though EEA was based of Ellen's long-cancelled sitcom and Bill Nye the Science Guy. I've already given my thoughts on the matter over on Twitter, so head over there, but I still hope that this is done right, and that the complaining and whining will eventually die down.

The One we heard about just a little bit before it was official

"I love you. I guess we're gonna meet my parents tonight. Uh-oh, I burned the cheese! IF YOU DIE IN THE GAME YOU DIE FOR REAL!"

Just a few days before D23, several anonymous sources reported that the Tommorowland Speedway attraction at Magic Kingdom would be replaced by a copy of Shanghai's Tron Lightcycle Power Run. And while it is coming, the Speedway will stay, so Tomorrowland won't lose it's last opening day attraction. Otherwise, it looks like it'll just be an exact copy of the original. And if you've seen the original, then you know that that ain't a bad thing.

The One with the rat voiced by the awesome guy

Finally, a ride with a character voiced by this guy.

Speaking of imports, the highly successful Ratatouille: L'Aventure Totalement Toquée de Rémy(Ratatouille: Remy's Totally Zany Adventure) from the Walt Disney Studios Park at the Disneyland Paris Resort is being added to EPCOT's France pavilion. The good news is that there will soon be a non-water ride added to World Showcase. The bad news is that doing this pretty much means that there is no longer any real motivation to go to Walt Disney Studios Park. There's a good reason why it's the least visited of Disney's 12 parks.

The One that's actually using our mascot for once

Anyone else surprised it took this long?

One of the more surprising announcements of the panel was a replacement for the aging attraction The Great Movie Ride at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railway will be a new dark ride based off the recent Mickey Mouse shorts. If you have not seen them, you should; they're funny as hell. While it hasn't gotten as many complaints as the Guardians ride, many are still upset. Look, The Great Movie Ride will be missed- hell, it's the only ride I know of that has both Casablanca AND Alien- but at least the company's mascot is actually the subject of a ride for once.

The One that's just Uber. That's it

Because nobody chooses to use the bus.

Perhaps the most bizarre announcement was a new transportation option known as the "Minnie-vans"- even though the above car is a Chevy Traverse, which is an SUV, but I suppose we shouldn't split hairs. It's a novel idea, I'm sure, but as theme park reviewer Tony Goldmark (kinda) pointed out, wouldn't a Cars tie-in make more sense. You add fake eyes and a mouth, have a special character narration as you're driving- I mean, they did this to the Disneyland monorails once, why not here? Disney should really hire me.

Unless you find it creepy, it's a pretty good idea.

The Ones that aren't rides, stupid

In case you're wondering what the price for both is, it's more than you can afford.

Our final Park announcements from the Expo- aside from Toy Story land news that was mostly just confirming stuff we already knew, Paradise Pier becoming Pixar Pier with no new rides, some parade stuff, and a Marvel land announced for DCA (with no details given on what it will have, when ground will be broken, or when it'll open)- are of two new hotels. The Disney Riviera resort is exclusive to DVC (Disney Vacation Club) members and will open in Florida. In addition, as I previously mentioned, it will be a stop on the Skyliner gondola system. The second was also the only announcement we got relating to Disneyland Paris. Their preexisting Disney's Hotel New York is getting a makeover to transform into Disney's Hotel New York- The Art of Marvel. These will truly be amazing new accomodations that I will never have the money for.

So, what are your thoughts on the D23 announcements? Feel free to say what you loved slash hated in the comments. Here's hoping I can actually be at the next one!

The rides, they are a changing.

So, uh... guess it's been a while. Forgive me if updates are less frequent, as I am no longer doing this for a grade. So, let's talk about change.

One of the big recent openings at a Disney park, as well as one of the biggest openings of this year, is the new Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission BREAKOUT! at Disney's California Adventure. Designed with help from movie director James Gunn, this new ride combines a drop tower with the randomized experience that's been given praise in Star Tours, alongside a kickass soundtrack and the film's original cast.

DCA's come a long way since Superstar Limo.

From what I've seen, this looks to be an all-around fantastic ride. And given the 300 minute wait times it achieved on opening day, I'd say the general public loves it too.

So, of course, there are a ton of fans bitching and moaning about change.

Allow me to explain: Mission BREAKOUT! used to be The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, a drop tower ride based of the classic horror anthology series, The Twilight Zone. For various reasons that you can look up, the California version has always been seen as inferior to the Florida version, which is still operating, Guardians-less. And Disney must have known this, hence why they chose to change the California tower.

However, there are quite a few people who can't afford to go to Walt Disney World, so they would still love the DCA tower. And there were a fair few who were not pleased with this alteration.

Now keep in mind, Disney's doesn't make all their choices to please specific fans. They're trying to appeal to the general public. And the general public really likes Guardians of the Galaxy.

Did...did they just forget how popular this movie was?

Sad to say, this is not the first time that this has happened. But to list all the times its' happened would need another post or two to really explain it. So, yeah, this is another multi-parter. Stay tuned to see me cover stuff from Maelstrom to Imagination!

What if we made Pocahontas, but the Native Americans are Smurfs?

So, I think I should bring up the elephant in the room. We are but a few days from the official opening of Pandora: World of Avatar at Disney's Animal Kingdom.

Yeah, I wish.

Judging from soft openings and previews, this land promises to be one of Disney's most ambitious and spectacular projects yet. And yet, many have questioned... why? Why Avatar? The film was successful when it came out, but that's really just because of the IMAX. I certainly don't recall seeking it out to rewatch it later on, and I believe I'm not the only one who did so.

And why Animal Kingdom? There were some cool creatures in the movie, sure, but they weren't the focus. The focus were the blue people.

This right here should be what Animal Kingdom is all about.

And many are annoyed that we're getting this instead of the never-built-because-Eisner-didn't-want-to-spend-too-much-money Beastly Kingdom.

Yeah, we almost got all of this.

I believe it really all comes down to hindsight. I'm sure Avatar looked like the next big franchise when Disney bought the theme park rights, and James Cameron still says that he has sequels in the works, but many doubt if those will come to fruition.

It's especially unfortunate when Zootopia was released last year and was a huge success, making over a billion dollars. And also being about animals. With a setting that many would love to see in real life.

See this? I want to visit this. I would pay good money to go to this in real life.

Now, I'm not saying Pandora is stupid; I'm actually excited for it. Early photos look promising and it just really looks like they went all-out to make it look as authentic as possible.

Not necessarily what we wanted, but that doesn't mean we won't enjoy it.

So will Pandora: World of Avatar be a loss, or a win? We'll have to wait until May 27, 2017 to find out for ourselves.

"Just say the word, ohhhhhhh, Stu-stu-studios!"

Props to whoever gets that title reference.

Anyway, as I previously said, there's a good number of signs pointing towards Universal building a third park in Orlando. Many have speculated about what Universal would put in this park, and I thought that I would give my two cents on the matter.

The Pokemon of the Wizarding World

Redmayne's biggest role, right after that Thomas and Friends movie.

The Harry Potter franchise is doing wonders for Universal right now, and of course they're going to want to capitalize on it's successful spin-off film and its four upcoming sequels. Y'know, I remember a time where a film had to first be released and make a lot of money before it would get one sequel. Things change.

Now, I've mentioned that a Fantastic Beasts ride might be replacing the Dragon Challenge roller coaster, but I think there's a good chance that it would be at this third park, if only because then Universal Orlando would have three different New York-themed areas.

And yet I can't thing of a single park that has a Chicago area! I can't be the only one who has a problem with that.

The Pokemon of... actually, just Pokemon.

It's a-me, a-corporate a-synergy!

It'll be some time until the Nintendo attractions are built at Orlando- they say their first Super Nintendo World will be in Japan, and that's going to open when the Tokyo Olympics happen in 2020, because Japan always gets the cool stuff first. I want real-life Mario Kart, darn it! Regarding the land that will be built in Orlando, many suspect that the Nintendo land will replace Woody Woodpecker's KidZone, because Universal forgets to try and keep some of its properties relevant. I mean, that place has a water slide and play area based on Fievel Goes West. You think any of the kids there have seen that movie? Chances are probably not.

The world has suffered because of how studios have treated Don Bluth.

However, they'd have a lot more room if they put it in a third park instead, and they wouldn't have to do demolition work. Not to mention if they did bulldoze KidZone, they'd probably get rid of the E.T. ride, which is the last ride at the park that's been there since opening day. Closing that would definitely enrage the purists.

I say there, monstrosity, do you know the times?

Yeah, don't you think these guys are kinda important?

One of Universal's classic licenses has been their Monsters franchise, entailing all their classic monster movies. However, they've never actually had a ride or land based off them. And it's not like these aren't well known; I shouldn't have to explain Frankenstein's Monster or The Wolfman.

Now Universal has had other stuff with them in the past, such as a cheesy, outdated music show with Beetlejuice (who also deserves better, by the way), a themed restaurant, and Universal Hollywood had a musical based on Creature from the Black Lagoon, which... uh... certainly existed, that's for sure.

Trust me, the less said about this, the better.

But still, there hasn't been a real ride for any them, and honestly, there is so much potential for one. Don't tell me there isn't! Seriously, don't.

An Animation Trifecta

The veteran that lost its power, the new blood with annoying marketing, and the art student can't make enough money at the box office.

Universal owns both Dreamworks and Illumination, and they've allowed Laika to show off some of their models and characters in the past, so they can easily make even more attractions based off these. But based on what? It's rumored that a Kung-Fu Panda attraction is in line to replace the not-too-popular Shrek 4-D at Universal Studios Hollywood. And they confirmed that a dark ride based on The Secret Life of Pets was in the works before the film was even released, because they knew that that would make a lot of money. They've got a lot of franchises to work with for a third park, and they'll probably be alright. So long as they don't include The Boss Baby.

Yes, Universal could do a lot with a third park if and when they build one. It'll still be a while before they're a threat to the Mouse, but one thing's for sure: they've got a lot to work with.

"Doesn't the fact that it's Universal make it international?"

Ah, Universal Studios Orlando. Where you can live out your dreams of flying with Harry Potter, take a tour of Jurassic Park, and nearly get killed by Sideshow Bob. Without a doubt it's the best theme park resort in Orlando... because Disney World is technically in Lake Buena Vista.

"I'm tired of playing second banana to a resort that has a giant golf ball!"

Yes, while the #3 spot in the "Best Central Florida Theme Park" list is fought for by SeaWorld, Legoland, and Busch Gardens, Universal sits above them at #2. But it's still far behind Disney, easily the king of not just the area, but the entire industry. And while Universal has made the steps to become an amazing resort, it's still not at all close to competing with the Mouse. And one of the big reasons for that is because Universal only has two parks, while Disney has four.

Yup, or as I like to call them, "The Main One", "Weird Science", "Literally built to compete with Universal", and "Literally built to compete with Busch Gardens".

However, it looks like Universal may be willing to combat this. Recently, they've been buying up quite a lot of land. They also tore down the famous Wet n' Wild water park, because who cares if it was historically the world's first water park, am I right?

This ain't even the first time.

Now, there's only one thing they could be building towards. And that would be a third park! They still haven't announced anything yet, probably because they're too busy promoting Bland Talk Show Host: The Barely-a-Ride, but it seems like a third park would be their best course of action- as long as the tourism industry holds up. But I'm going to try to not get into politics.

Universal hasn't actually opened a park since 2010, that being Universal Studios Singapore. That doesn't sound too long ago, but remember, Disney opened a new park just last year, and Legoland opened one this year. Universal is really going to have to play catch up if it wants to compete with Disney and stay ahead of Legoland, and hopefully in a way that won't go like Dubai.

Thought I was kidding when I said that they almost built a Dubai park, didja? You didn't? Oh.

But how, exactly, would Universal create this new Orlando park?

What would they put in it?

What will they do?

Join me next time for the spine-tingling conclusion of "Universal's Third Gate: Why the heck are they still draggin' their feet?".

Bless your soul, you've got your head in the clouds, you made a fool out of you, and boy she's bringing you down!

Ah, rumors. There's always some circling about in the theme park community. Something's gonna open, something else is gonna close, CEO x of y is resigning because of z. And there's quite a number circling about right now, so, I thought I should address some of them and offer my thoughts. They could be true, they could be false. We'll just have to wait and see.

Stitch gets kicked, Ralph rolls in

This is to theme parks what New Coke is to Coca-Cola.

So, some backstory is needed. Stitch's Great Escape! is an attraction at Magic Kingdom. It replaced the much beloved ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter, a straight-up horror attraction with a teleportation demonstration gone wrong, resulting in your neck getting breathed on hard by a terrifying alien and a mechanic on the catwalk above being gored, as you feel blood rain down.

Naturally, parents brought their kids on this anyway, and complained when their kids got scared.

They replaced it with an attraction about that lovable rapscallion from Lilo and Stitch, which is both too scary for kids and too dull for teens and adults. And as of recent soft openings, it's not even Disney's best attraction about blue aliens (That's an Pandora: World of Avatar joke by the way). However, last year, the ride was put on seasonal operation (Meaning it's now only open when massive crowds are visiting), often a death knell for attractions. The rumor going around is that it will be replaced by a virtual reality racing attraction based on the 2012 film Wreck-It Ralph, possibly because of the imminent release of the oddly-named sequel.

I would've gone with Electric Boogaloo, but hey, that's just me.

Nothing is confirmed yet, but given how reviled Stitch's Great Escape! is, well, I wouldn't be surprised if it does happen.

Go get yourself to a gondola!

No, the other kind.

No, the other other kind.

There ya go!

This one is practically all but confirmed at this point. In preparation for the opening of a new land based on Star Wars at Disney's Hollywood Studios, Disney has filed permits to construct what appears to be an aerial tramway between Studios, Epcot, and several nearby hotels. They might have chosen this system as a throwback to the beloved Skyway that used to operate in Anaheim, Lake Buena Vista, and Tokyo.

Man, I've been talking about extinct attractions a lot today.

Again, though, this rumor is practically true at this point, to the point where we even know the company building it: Swiss manufacturer Doppelmayr, who also worked on the Hogwarts Express ride at Universal Studios. Disney still won't confirm anything just yet, though. Odds are, they're waiting until their biennial fan convention D23, due to be held this summer. I would love to report live from there. Don't think I can convince my parents though.

There's also rumors going about that they may also build an automated shuttle system, though less is known about that. I'll try to provide updates when more information becomes available.

It's Always Sunny in the Forbidden Forest

HARYDIDJUHPUYURNAMEINTHGOBLEOFIRE?!?!?!

Universal struck gold in 2010 when they opened up The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, finally giving them something that allowed them to really compete against Disney. And if that didn't make them enough money, the expansion that included a recreation of Diagon Alley and the Hogwarts Express. Now little birdies are saying they might build a large scale dark ride by the Hogsmeade section, where the Dragon Challenge roller coasters currently are.

Previously known by its' much cooler name, Dueling Dragons.

The dueling inverted coasters have become less popular after they removed their best element- running both trains at the same time- thanks to some, uh, unfortunate accidents. As for the ride, it's thought to be either a ride that takes place in the Forbidden Forest, or a ride themed to the beloved textbook-turned-movie, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The Harry Potter franchise is usually what Universal advertises most (Despite Harry Potter being owned by Warner Brothers), so them wanting to expand even further on that makes plenty of sense.

(Lana Del Rey voice) Playing Video Games...

What's next? Team Fortress 2- The Ride? Overwatch Stunt Spectacular? A Master Chief meet and greet? A complete recreation of Midgar from Final Fantasy VII? Actually, those all sound awesome.

Many were pleasantly surprised to learn that Universal and Nintendo would be partnering up to build attractions at the Japan, Hollywood, and Orlando parks. But where will these new attractions be placed? For Orlando at least, experts are theorizing that they might place it where Woody Woodpecker's Kidzone is currently. There just aren't enough kids these days who are familiar with An American Tail or Woody Woodpecker, although it's not as if Universal has been trying to keep those properties relevant.

But... I've also heard that Universal may not be able to get rid of the E.T. Adventure dark ride. Aside from it being the only ride left from when the park first opened, it was a passion project for Steven Spielberg. And ol' Stevie was allegedly not too happy when the E.T. rides closed at Hollywood and Japan. So unhappy, he said that if they closed the Orlando ride, he would sever ties with the company. And Universal without Jurassic Park is like the U.S. auto industry without heavy corruption. It just seems wrong.

Again, that's just a theory, and they can often be false. But they can still be true. And if that is true, I don't know where Universal would put the land, and the inevitable Mario Kart go-carts.

I want this to be real. It needs to be real.

So, I don't know where it would be built. Unless, of course, Universal followed through on the rumor...

One of the biggest rumors of them all...

THE THIRD PARK.

To be continued...