What if we made Pocahontas, but the Native Americans are Smurfs?

So, I think I should bring up the elephant in the room. We are but a few days from the official opening of Pandora: World of Avatar at Disney's Animal Kingdom.

Yeah, I wish.

Judging from soft openings and previews, this land promises to be one of Disney's most ambitious and spectacular projects yet. And yet, many have questioned... why? Why Avatar? The film was successful when it came out, but that's really just because of the IMAX. I certainly don't recall seeking it out to rewatch it later on, and I believe I'm not the only one who did so.

And why Animal Kingdom? There were some cool creatures in the movie, sure, but they weren't the focus. The focus were the blue people.

This right here should be what Animal Kingdom is all about.

And many are annoyed that we're getting this instead of the never-built-because-Eisner-didn't-want-to-spend-too-much-money Beastly Kingdom.

Yeah, we almost got all of this.

I believe it really all comes down to hindsight. I'm sure Avatar looked like the next big franchise when Disney bought the theme park rights, and James Cameron still says that he has sequels in the works, but many doubt if those will come to fruition.

It's especially unfortunate when Zootopia was released last year and was a huge success, making over a billion dollars. And also being about animals. With a setting that many would love to see in real life.

See this? I want to visit this. I would pay good money to go to this in real life.

Now, I'm not saying Pandora is stupid; I'm actually excited for it. Early photos look promising and it just really looks like they went all-out to make it look as authentic as possible.

Not necessarily what we wanted, but that doesn't mean we won't enjoy it.

So will Pandora: World of Avatar be a loss, or a win? We'll have to wait until May 27, 2017 to find out for ourselves.

"Just say the word, ohhhhhhh, Stu-stu-studios!"

Props to whoever gets that title reference.

Anyway, as I previously said, there's a good number of signs pointing towards Universal building a third park in Orlando. Many have speculated about what Universal would put in this park, and I thought that I would give my two cents on the matter.

The Pokemon of the Wizarding World

Redmayne's biggest role, right after that Thomas and Friends movie.

The Harry Potter franchise is doing wonders for Universal right now, and of course they're going to want to capitalize on it's successful spin-off film and its four upcoming sequels. Y'know, I remember a time where a film had to first be released and make a lot of money before it would get one sequel. Things change.

Now, I've mentioned that a Fantastic Beasts ride might be replacing the Dragon Challenge roller coaster, but I think there's a good chance that it would be at this third park, if only because then Universal Orlando would have three different New York-themed areas.

And yet I can't thing of a single park that has a Chicago area! I can't be the only one who has a problem with that.

The Pokemon of... actually, just Pokemon.

It's a-me, a-corporate a-synergy!

It'll be some time until the Nintendo attractions are built at Orlando- they say their first Super Nintendo World will be in Japan, and that's going to open when the Tokyo Olympics happen in 2020, because Japan always gets the cool stuff first. I want real-life Mario Kart, darn it! Regarding the land that will be built in Orlando, many suspect that the Nintendo land will replace Woody Woodpecker's KidZone, because Universal forgets to try and keep some of its properties relevant. I mean, that place has a water slide and play area based on Fievel Goes West. You think any of the kids there have seen that movie? Chances are probably not.

The world has suffered because of how studios have treated Don Bluth.

However, they'd have a lot more room if they put it in a third park instead, and they wouldn't have to do demolition work. Not to mention if they did bulldoze KidZone, they'd probably get rid of the E.T. ride, which is the last ride at the park that's been there since opening day. Closing that would definitely enrage the purists.

I say there, monstrosity, do you know the times?

Yeah, don't you think these guys are kinda important?

One of Universal's classic licenses has been their Monsters franchise, entailing all their classic monster movies. However, they've never actually had a ride or land based off them. And it's not like these aren't well known; I shouldn't have to explain Frankenstein's Monster or The Wolfman.

Now Universal has had other stuff with them in the past, such as a cheesy, outdated music show with Beetlejuice (who also deserves better, by the way), a themed restaurant, and Universal Hollywood had a musical based on Creature from the Black Lagoon, which... uh... certainly existed, that's for sure.

Trust me, the less said about this, the better.

But still, there hasn't been a real ride for any them, and honestly, there is so much potential for one. Don't tell me there isn't! Seriously, don't.

An Animation Trifecta

The veteran that lost its power, the new blood with annoying marketing, and the art student can't make enough money at the box office.

Universal owns both Dreamworks and Illumination, and they've allowed Laika to show off some of their models and characters in the past, so they can easily make even more attractions based off these. But based on what? It's rumored that a Kung-Fu Panda attraction is in line to replace the not-too-popular Shrek 4-D at Universal Studios Hollywood. And they confirmed that a dark ride based on The Secret Life of Pets was in the works before the film was even released, because they knew that that would make a lot of money. They've got a lot of franchises to work with for a third park, and they'll probably be alright. So long as they don't include The Boss Baby.

Yes, Universal could do a lot with a third park if and when they build one. It'll still be a while before they're a threat to the Mouse, but one thing's for sure: they've got a lot to work with.

"Doesn't the fact that it's Universal make it international?"

Ah, Universal Studios Orlando. Where you can live out your dreams of flying with Harry Potter, take a tour of Jurassic Park, and nearly get killed by Sideshow Bob. Without a doubt it's the best theme park resort in Orlando... because Disney World is technically in Lake Buena Vista.

"I'm tired of playing second banana to a resort that has a giant golf ball!"

Yes, while the #3 spot in the "Best Central Florida Theme Park" list is fought for by SeaWorld, Legoland, and Busch Gardens, Universal sits above them at #2. But it's still far behind Disney, easily the king of not just the area, but the entire industry. And while Universal has made the steps to become an amazing resort, it's still not at all close to competing with the Mouse. And one of the big reasons for that is because Universal only has two parks, while Disney has four.

Yup, or as I like to call them, "The Main One", "Weird Science", "Literally built to compete with Universal", and "Literally built to compete with Busch Gardens".

However, it looks like Universal may be willing to combat this. Recently, they've been buying up quite a lot of land. They also tore down the famous Wet n' Wild water park, because who cares if it was historically the world's first water park, am I right?

This ain't even the first time.

Now, there's only one thing they could be building towards. And that would be a third park! They still haven't announced anything yet, probably because they're too busy promoting Bland Talk Show Host: The Barely-a-Ride, but it seems like a third park would be their best course of action- as long as the tourism industry holds up. But I'm going to try to not get into politics.

Universal hasn't actually opened a park since 2010, that being Universal Studios Singapore. That doesn't sound too long ago, but remember, Disney opened a new park just last year, and Legoland opened one this year. Universal is really going to have to play catch up if it wants to compete with Disney and stay ahead of Legoland, and hopefully in a way that won't go like Dubai.

Thought I was kidding when I said that they almost built a Dubai park, didja? You didn't? Oh.

But how, exactly, would Universal create this new Orlando park?

What would they put in it?

What will they do?

Join me next time for the spine-tingling conclusion of "Universal's Third Gate: Why the heck are they still draggin' their feet?".

Bless your soul, you've got your head in the clouds, you made a fool out of you, and boy she's bringing you down!

Ah, rumors. There's always some circling about in the theme park community. Something's gonna open, something else is gonna close, CEO x of y is resigning because of z. And there's quite a number circling about right now, so, I thought I should address some of them and offer my thoughts. They could be true, they could be false. We'll just have to wait and see.

Stitch gets kicked, Ralph rolls in

This is to theme parks what New Coke is to Coca-Cola.

So, some backstory is needed. Stitch's Great Escape! is an attraction at Magic Kingdom. It replaced the much beloved ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter, a straight-up horror attraction with a teleportation demonstration gone wrong, resulting in your neck getting breathed on hard by a terrifying alien and a mechanic on the catwalk above being gored, as you feel blood rain down.

Naturally, parents brought their kids on this anyway, and complained when their kids got scared.

They replaced it with an attraction about that lovable rapscallion from Lilo and Stitch, which is both too scary for kids and too dull for teens and adults. And as of recent soft openings, it's not even Disney's best attraction about blue aliens (That's an Pandora: World of Avatar joke by the way). However, last year, the ride was put on seasonal operation (Meaning it's now only open when massive crowds are visiting), often a death knell for attractions. The rumor going around is that it will be replaced by a virtual reality racing attraction based on the 2012 film Wreck-It Ralph, possibly because of the imminent release of the oddly-named sequel.

I would've gone with Electric Boogaloo, but hey, that's just me.

Nothing is confirmed yet, but given how reviled Stitch's Great Escape! is, well, I wouldn't be surprised if it does happen.

Go get yourself to a gondola!

No, the other kind.

No, the other other kind.

There ya go!

This one is practically all but confirmed at this point. In preparation for the opening of a new land based on Star Wars at Disney's Hollywood Studios, Disney has filed permits to construct what appears to be an aerial tramway between Studios, Epcot, and several nearby hotels. They might have chosen this system as a throwback to the beloved Skyway that used to operate in Anaheim, Lake Buena Vista, and Tokyo.

Man, I've been talking about extinct attractions a lot today.

Again, though, this rumor is practically true at this point, to the point where we even know the company building it: Swiss manufacturer Doppelmayr, who also worked on the Hogwarts Express ride at Universal Studios. Disney still won't confirm anything just yet, though. Odds are, they're waiting until their biennial fan convention D23, due to be held this summer. I would love to report live from there. Don't think I can convince my parents though.

There's also rumors going about that they may also build an automated shuttle system, though less is known about that. I'll try to provide updates when more information becomes available.

It's Always Sunny in the Forbidden Forest

HARYDIDJUHPUYURNAMEINTHGOBLEOFIRE?!?!?!

Universal struck gold in 2010 when they opened up The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, finally giving them something that allowed them to really compete against Disney. And if that didn't make them enough money, the expansion that included a recreation of Diagon Alley and the Hogwarts Express. Now little birdies are saying they might build a large scale dark ride by the Hogsmeade section, where the Dragon Challenge roller coasters currently are.

Previously known by its' much cooler name, Dueling Dragons.

The dueling inverted coasters have become less popular after they removed their best element- running both trains at the same time- thanks to some, uh, unfortunate accidents. As for the ride, it's thought to be either a ride that takes place in the Forbidden Forest, or a ride themed to the beloved textbook-turned-movie, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The Harry Potter franchise is usually what Universal advertises most (Despite Harry Potter being owned by Warner Brothers), so them wanting to expand even further on that makes plenty of sense.

(Lana Del Rey voice) Playing Video Games...

What's next? Team Fortress 2- The Ride? Overwatch Stunt Spectacular? A Master Chief meet and greet? A complete recreation of Midgar from Final Fantasy VII? Actually, those all sound awesome.

Many were pleasantly surprised to learn that Universal and Nintendo would be partnering up to build attractions at the Japan, Hollywood, and Orlando parks. But where will these new attractions be placed? For Orlando at least, experts are theorizing that they might place it where Woody Woodpecker's Kidzone is currently. There just aren't enough kids these days who are familiar with An American Tail or Woody Woodpecker, although it's not as if Universal has been trying to keep those properties relevant.

But... I've also heard that Universal may not be able to get rid of the E.T. Adventure dark ride. Aside from it being the only ride left from when the park first opened, it was a passion project for Steven Spielberg. And ol' Stevie was allegedly not too happy when the E.T. rides closed at Hollywood and Japan. So unhappy, he said that if they closed the Orlando ride, he would sever ties with the company. And Universal without Jurassic Park is like the U.S. auto industry without heavy corruption. It just seems wrong.

Again, that's just a theory, and they can often be false. But they can still be true. And if that is true, I don't know where Universal would put the land, and the inevitable Mario Kart go-carts.

I want this to be real. It needs to be real.

So, I don't know where it would be built. Unless, of course, Universal followed through on the rumor...

One of the biggest rumors of them all...

THE THIRD PARK.

To be continued...

Dubai: wait, they're doing what now?

There were many interesting developments that took place in 2016 in the theme and amusement park industry. Shanghai Disneyland opened in China, Universal Hollywood got a Hogsmeade expansion, and SeaWorld announced that they would stop breeding killer whales, among other stories.

It'd be better if people visiting didn't poop in the bushes, but that's another story.

But one of the most interesting developments took place in the Dubai, which saw the opening of not one, not two, not even three, but four different theme parks. IMG Worlds of Adventure usurped nearby Ferrari World as the world's biggest indoor theme park, covering over 1.5 million square feet, with lands based off of Marvel, Cartoon Network, and Random Dinosaurs, look, we ran out of licenses, okay?.

Man, did every park get a Marvel ride before Disney?

Meanwhile Dubai Parks and Resorts opened with three major theme parks: Legoland Dubai, Bollywood Park Dubai, and Motiongate Dubai. The latter park includes attractions based on films by studios such as Lionsgate, Sony Pictures, and Dreamworks.

Now, you can finally live out your dream of getting murdered by teenagers who look like they're in their twenties!

These parks are proclaiming themselves to be the biggest, newest entertainment destinations in the Middle East, anticipating large crowds both local and international.

Big problem: they're not that great. Already, there are some pretty empty parking lots.

There aren't too may 'innovative' rides, and some look like they had barely any effort put into them whatsoever. They barely even use any animatronics; most of their dark rides use either screens or unmoving statues and models of characters. Apparently, they didn't have it in the budget for mouths that move.

But these aren't even the last parks coming to this country, oh no. Not only are a Six Flags, a 20th Century Fox park, and a Warner Brothers park under construction, but IMG is slated to get a major expansion already, with areas and attractions based off of Power Rangers, Nickelodeon, Ubisoft, Mattel, and way more than they can probably afford.

My God, so many franchises! It's like a terrible fanfiction!

But there's something really important to note throughout all of this: History repeats.

Now, odds are you only know what I mean if you know a lot about theme and amusement parks. As in, you knew what Six Flags Power Plant was before I mentioned it.

The Dubailand project was, and technically still is, an ambitious plan that spanned all kinds of parks, resorts, and attractions, and a lot of it straight up tanked. The Marvel and Dreamworks lands at IMG and Motiongate?  They were going to get their own parks, which ended up cancelled, along with a Formula 1 theme park and a Universal Studios. The bubble burst. They flew too close to the sun. Some other third metaphor regarding failure. And when the most finished of these new parks is Legoland, then you know it's a bad sign.

I mean, Legoland is never bad, but it's never really the reason you go someplace.

Has Dubai finally gotten the park formula right? Or is tourism in the Middle East just not strong enough to support this many parks? Stay tuned for the next several years!

Insert Admiral Ackbar Quote Here!

Today, I'd like to talk about something that, while not necessarily connected to theme parks, is still a famous (or infamous) part of tourism: the lowly, humble tourist trap.

These things can pop up practically overnight, usually in an area with famous natural or artificial splendor. There can be areas full of them, possibly marked by a Hard Rock Cafe, Ripley's Believe It or Not!, or both. They're usually just meant to be a way to make a quick buck off unsuspecting, pea-brained tourists such as you and I. And they can be quite successful.

For instance, this one in Oregon got two seasons of one of the most critically acclaimed animated series of this century.

Heck, some can go from a tourist trap into something much bigger. Walter and Cordelia Knott built a replica ghost town for their chicken restaurant, which they built for people visiting their berry farm. Now Knott's Berry Farm is one of the most famous theme parks in the country. So, I thought it best to discuss some notable places with tourist traps that I have or haven't visited, and see just what makes them special.

Clifton Hill: Niagara Falls, Canada

Well, why else are you in Niagara Falls? To see Niagara Falls? Nerd!

I visited Clifton Hill a few years ago, and it is, essentially, the modern-day equivalent of kitsch. Right next to one of the most famous natural wonders on Earth is a plethora of attractions that have no relation to one of the most famous natural wonders on Earth, including an observation wheel, arcade with shooter dark ride, several Ripley's attractions, mini golf courses, a World Record museum, what appeared to be a Lego train layout you had to pay to see (I wish I could've), a haunted house, a wax museum, and so forth.

Is it cheesy? Yes. Does it have a negative effect on all the natural splendor? Again, yes. Is it fun as hell? Refer to the previous two answers.

Much of Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin

BECOME ONE WITH WATER! ALL HAIL TUBEY!

I've been here a number of times throughout my life, and it's always been pretty fun. The self-proclaimed "water park capital of the world" is best known for, well, water parks. Of course, there's also the beautiful Lake Delton, many resort hotels (I usually stayed at the Wilderness), and plenty of different weird things to do, from amusement parks to outlet mall shopping.

My personal recommendation is the Riverside and Great Northern Railway, a miniature railroad going through the woods. It sounds odd, I know, but it's also very cool.

Wall Drug, Wall, South Dakota

Beat this, CVS!

Wall Drug owes some of its fame for signs all around the world, from Antarctica to Afghanistan, listing how far it is. It's probably the most famous non-national park attraction in South Dakota. I went here some years ago, and while we mostly just got their famous free ice water, it's still one of the most unusual locations I've had the pleasure of visiting. Truth be told, I can't think of many other drug stores that include a chapel, shooting range, and pharmacy museum.

Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge, Tennessee

Nestled in the Smoky Mountains, these two towns owe part of their tourism to not only the mountains themselves, but also nearby theme park Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, because let's face it, we all want to be famous enough to own a theme park named after us. For those reasons, the towns are covered in random kinds of attractions, including some weird ones.

For instance, Jurassic Jungle Boat Ride, which from what I've seen is kinda like Dinosaur from Disney's Animal Kingdom, except A) It's on a boat and B) it's terrible. And there's also The Coaster at Goats on the Roof (That's the full name by the way), which is different from other alpine coasters by having goats on the roof of a building. That's its main selling point. 

There's an earthquake ride, a collection of dioramas depicting the life of Jesus, a salt and pepper museum, and enough other oddities in this town that you would probably need a whole trip just to see them all, rather than just stopping overnight on your way to Myrtle Beach, like my family would do. But, I suppose that's tourist traps for you. They might not always grab your attention, but when they do, you may as well consider yourself trapped!

Yeah, I... yeah, that was terrible.

Screens in Rides: Are they really that necessary?

Before I get started, I thought it best that I mention: I'm a huge fan of theme parks. I take them very seriously. Not many people think that they can be an art form, but believe me, they can be. Hopefully, I will be able to prove this in my posts.

Now, as this is my first post for this blog, I figured I would tie it in to the most recent attraction opening from a major theme park: Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon at Universal Studios Orlando.

Personally, I would have rather had a Conan ride.

There's plenty to be said about this ride already (Best said here by park-humor website Parkeology), but with this ride opening, a question should be asked: do modern theme park rides rely too much on screens?

In recent years, the number of rides and attractions using screens and films as a central part of the action has dramatically increased. Originally, screens were exclusively used by motion simulators and 3D & 4D movies (at least, before you cold experience 3D movies in literally any movie theater). The first major 3D theme park movie, to my knowledge, was The Sensorium, built for the ill-fated, short-lived Six Flags Power Plant in Baltimore, Maryland.

If you want to learn what this was, and why it failed, then browse the articles here at Theme Park University.

While Power Plant was only open for four years, The Sensorium still ended up being really popular. And while that film has fallen into relative obscurity, the first major motion simulator for a theme park hasn't.

I only went on the original once, and I still absolutely adored it.

Star Tours officially opened in 1987, and changed the theme park industry forever. Now, motion simulators are incredibly common, and at least one can be found at most major theme parks. Universal especially has adopted this technology. In the two Orlando parks, 9 rides have heavy usage of screens, either moving between them or sitting in front of them. And their upcoming ride, Fast & Furious: Supercharged, is also supposed to rely heavily on screens. And that's without mentioning the Terminator and Shrek shows, which are 3D/4D films.

So, why are screens in rides so popular now? I think I know the answer.

Three words: They. Are. Cheap.

Classic theme park rides, such as The Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Jungle Cruise use many set pieces, props, and audio-animatronics as part of their storytelling. Rides like those are still built today, but they can be quite expensive and take a long time to build. Companies like Sim-Ex Iwerks have a literal catalog of simulator films to download and put into a motion simulator. They're easier to make, cheap to build, cheap to maintain, and can be constructed in a short time.

But with that, people lose sight of what labors of love the classic rides are.

All the effort put in, all the little details, these rides just leave more of an impact. Disney still understands that there's a balance between screens and sets with animatronics. The new Pirates of the Caribbean - Battle for the Sunken Treasure at Shanghai Disneyland uses both to great effect, as shown here. There's a reason that it won a Thea award 5 months after it opened.

There is a balance. One can only hope that other parks realize this too.