Let's Imagineer 4: Monoraillercoaster!

Well, I'm beginning to regret my blog topic a little right now.

As some of you may have heard, pretty much every amusement and theme park on Earth right now is either closed because of COVID-19, or has delayed their opening because of it. This means that one could argue that...

Oh, Scott. You truly are the Woz!

But in any case, I have a duty to keep making posts, and thankfully, I still have some ideas in my head. Let's take a look at one right now!

The Company Nerds Won't Shut Up About

Looking at this, you probably wouldn't even figure they make coasters.

Rocky Mountain Construction, or RMC, has made waves over the last decades for their work in the amusement industry, making extreme conversions to preexisting wooden coasters, or making their own steel-wood hybrid monstrosities. And they're talked about as much as that one weird friend you have that won't shut up about The Irishman.

But in recent years, they've come up with another, newer kind of coaster...

Look at this nonsense. You gotta love it.

The T-Rex is a model of steel coaster they've come up with that uses but a single rail, creating something that both looks incredibly refined, and is some of the most fun in the coaster world. As it's a recent development, only two have opened so far, and only two others are planned. But I can think of another place that may see a use for it...

If You Know Me, Then You Saw This Coming.

"Mono-D'OH!"

The Disney Parks- well, Anaheim, Florida, and Tokyo anyway- are famous for many things, but one of the things they're most famous for are the iconic monorails. They're sleek! They're colorful! The ones in Florida probably need a replacement or refurbishment because they've been in service too long! But in any case, they're pretty much synonymous with their resorts.

I'm sure you can put two and two together.

Coming I-Don't-Know-When...

I'm having trouble figuring out where to put it, so for now, let's just say behind Test Track and Mission: SPACE.

Get ready to step into the future, as Disney's science division invites you, yes, YOU, for the ride of a lifetime! At EPCOT, be prepared for the future of passenger rail transportation as you board the Monoraillercoaster! Sponsored by Virgin Trains USA!

It's not an EPCOT ride without a sponsorship.

As you go through the queue, you'll see the history and advancement of rail transportation, as well as the history of Disney's involvement with it. The company's top researchers have come up with an idea for a new monorail concept, one that's blazing fast and a ton of fun!

As you reach the station, you'll see the trains. While they're not enclosed, and only hold one person a row, they are undeniably Disney, taking influences from the best parts of their monorail designs.

I am no artist, and will not pretend to be one, so here's a picture from when Disneyland turned their monorails into Cars characters instead.

It's not long before your train takes off, and you reach a launch to give you a big boost of speed! Obviously, this coaster has to be indoors, and we lack the room for another really big building, so think of a similar set-up to Rock'n'Rollercoaster. But with more color! You'll zoom through simulated landscapes of Disney landmarks worldwide, twisting and inverting all the way! By the time you unload, you'll wish we all traveled like this.

Odds? Low. Potential? High.

With the current closures meaning they're losing money, as well as the IP focused direction they've been taking things recently, I know this is probably unlikely. But I think that they could do a lot with this concept, and I'm sure a lot of other people would want to see something like it.

But what do you think? Would this be a ride you'd love to see? Do you a think a Disney T-Rex should have a different theme? Feel free to comment, or talk to me at @Colonel_Colin on Twitter. Until next time, keep calling the big ones Bitey!

A Weird Obsession with No Explanation

 How many of you are familiar with the company Merlin Entertainments? If you have, then great. If you haven't, then you're probably familiar with what they own.

I'm sure at least one of these will ring a bell.

Merlin is the second largest operator in the amusement industry worldwide, just after Disney. They own every LEGOLAND and subsequent Discovery Centers, three of the biggest parks in England, a large chain of aquariums, and the only reputable wax museum chain in the world.

Though it is a legitimate question whether or not anything with wax figures could be considered reputable in normal society.

There's a lot with them that we could talk about, but today we'll focus on a recurring theme between their two of their biggest parks: Alton Towers in Staffordshire, and Thorpe Park in Chertsey.

Being Scared in an Amusement Park? Unheard of!

"It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!"

Horror is a complicated genre. Sometimes you get a chilling story with suspense and insightful commentary, other times you get a bunch of jump scares and annoying-ass ads on YouTube. It can be utilized quite well at theme parks- a look at Halloween Horror Nights proves that- and Merlin seems to have taken that to heart. Perhaps a little too closely, though.

Now, it made sense with some rides, like Duel pictured above, or the famous first dive coaster Oblivion when it opened, but they still seem to have some kind of obsession with it, to wildly varying degrees of success.

For various reasons, The Smiler will not be included in either section because of how divisive it is. On one hand, it has the most inversions of any coaster on Earth and a brilliant ARG advertising campaign. On the other hand, it's had a lot of accidents. How good or bad it is should be decided by people who have actually ridden it, unlike this author. Or been to Alton Towers, unlike this author.

The Right Stuff

These all get a pass.

Merlin has been able to do some great horror attractions, mind you. I mean, they do own all those Dungeons, but they can do it for rides too. Saw: the Ride isn't the only creepy Gerstlauer Eurofighter on Earth, even if that superlative sounds rather narrow, but it seems well liked enough. Even more than some films from the franchise it's based off of!

Wicker Man is one of the few heavily themed wooden coasters around, and you can tell from the photo that they put effort into it. It's wild, it's immersive, it's creepy; the only thing it lacks is a large number of bees!

And Nemesis is one of the oldest Inverted coasters on Earth, sure, but it has aged like a fine wine in terms of design and looks. Over a quarter of a decade after it opened, it's still seen as one of the best coasters in the United Kingdom. So, if they made these so creepy and good, then surely the other ones are just as good, right?

R-right?

The Problem Children

"Crap. Crap. Mega-crap."

While they've had some successes, they had also had some big failures. TH13TEEN had pretty good advertising, and was getting some people hyped... and then the technical details were released, and it was outright referred to a family coaster. The coaster that they said might break people psychologically. It's pretty much always gonna have that cloud hanging over it.

I'm gonna be honest, even though it opened in 2018, I've heard jack shit about Walking Dead: the Ride. It was just a retheme of a preexisting coaster, only now there are some zombies. This one was definitely done on the cheap, mostly just taking advantage of how the coaster was already inside of a building, leading to the inevitable suggestion "Darkness is theming!". It is not.

And then we have Derren Brown's Ghost Train. Oy. Watch this if you want the whole story, but essentially, the only dark ride at Thorpe Park is a rather disjointed attraction mostly using virtual reality. There's something about fracking releasing demons, I think? It really doesn't seem to have any reason to be related to illusionist Derren Brown, aside from the Victorian carriage ride vehicle turning into a London Underground train, the one part of this ride I hear no one complain about.

But what does it all mean?

Two parks, one problem.

"But Colin, you saucy minx," you're no doubt wondering, "How can this be a problem? They still seem to be having successes.". Whether they succeed or not does not fix the fact that their big new recent attractions still seem to lean heavily around being based on horror instead of other things. You need to diversify interests if you want people to keep going and not get bored. We'll just have to see if they'll learn that lesson yet.

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Should these parks get more or less horror-themed attractions? Give me your thoughts by commenting or asking me at @Colonel_Colin on Twitter. Until next time, keep burning those effigies!

"Cool Runnings Man, Bobsled!"

Heads up: this ain't a normal segmented post. This is more me pondering on why we don't do more cool stuff.

There are a lot of different kinds of roller coasters in the world. Flying, suspended, hyper, giga, ones that go backwards, ones with brakemen, ones with a single rail...

And, of course, whatever the Roller Ball is.

But there's one kind in particular that I haven't seen many of left. One that's captivated me both when I played Rollercoaster Tycoon, and when I watched the 2006 Winter Olympics: the Bobsled coaster.

See the car? The track? Yeah, the name is fitting.

Bobsled coasters are exactly what they sound like. They're a roller coaster that works like a bobsled. I don't know if it's just me, but ever since I was a child, these things have fascinated me. "What a wonderfully unique kind of experience," I would theoretically think. "I'm sure plenty of places would want to make something like this!".

There are eight left in the world.

And one's in Blackpool? Aw, that's the New Jersey of England!

There's four in the US, one in the UK, one in France, and two in Germany. All were built either by Mack Rides or Intamin, except for one at Knoebels in Pennsylvania, which was built in-house(the park itself made it).

Now you may be asking, "Colin, you king of men, why are there so few of these still around?". Yeah, that's what I want to know.

No, I'm serious. I have no idea. I haven't heard of any major accidents involving them. And yeah, I'm sure the Intamin ones have maintenance issues, but they were built by Intamin. I sort of expect that from them at this point.

"We'll make you a masterpiece! One that keeps having accidents, but a masterpiece nonetheless!"

I'm also aware that, due to how they're constructed, they're not gonna break many records or drop many jaws. And I kinda get that, but goddammit, I like seeing more unique rides. That's one of the reasons why I love Whizzer at Six Flags Great America; it's difficult to find another coaster quite like it.

There's exactly one other coaster like this in the world, and I don't know if I'm going to Colombia anytime soon.

What about you? Do you think bobsled coasters are cool, and that more should be built? Why do you think there are so few nowadays? What kind of strange type of coaster do you want to see more of? Leave a comment here, or ask me at https://twitter.com/Colonel_Colin. Until next time, keep battling against normalcy!

My thoughts on Galaxy's Edge

How do I describe it. How do I say what hasn't already been said.

It's a mystery that eludes me.

Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge is a triumph. An experience. I've loved Disney World for a while already, but this? It was on a whole other level. The buildings. The rides. The merchandise. The libations.

I don't know when I'll be able to have another Spice Runner, but hopefully it won't be too long.

I've always believed that Disney are the best in the business when it comes to immersive theming, and I think this land proves me right. But while there's a lot to talk about, a lot of my observations have already been said by those that hold more clout than I do. So, I'll try and stay brief.

The Best Star Wars Thing to Come Out Last Year with "Rise" in the Title

I believe that kids these days would call this 'Neat-o'.

Rise of the Resistance may just be the greatest theme park ride ever built. This is the Sears Tower of rides. Everything used in it is so revolutionary, so new, so brilliantly executed that the only immediate flaw I can think of is how hard it is to get a boarding pass.

I don't want to spoil too much of what happens, because it's such an amazing experience, but my god. It's part walk-through, part simulator, part dark ride, part drop tower, part another simulator. It all works so well together to give you a beautiful, seamless experience that proves the beauty of themed entertainment.

"We're sooooaring, flyyyyyyying"

"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"

Simulators, despite my best efforts (i.e. making them the subject of my first post), are still a popular type of attraction. Thankfully, Millennium Falcon: Smuggler's Run at least switches up the formula a bit. Now, you at least have some control of the events that happen. To pilot the most iconic spaceship in fiction is now finally a reality!

If you get assigned pilot.

I got assigned engineer. I pushed buttons, and couldn't look at the screen too much. Well, nothing's perfect.

The Greatest Expensive Souvenir You Can Get

My child...

I know Disney World is expensive, what with the tickets, and the airfare, and the accommodations, because you know you're going to stay on property, I mean yeah you don't have to, but renting a car is such a hassle, and you know the Ubers add up...

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.  So you may not want to spend too much on souvenirs, due to many of them being exorbitantly priced. Well, it may cost a hundred bucks, but being able to build your own droid is worth it. There's a decent number of customization options, the process is easy, and you get your own goddamn droid. Remote control, well-made, and adorable as fuck. If there's a time on your vacation to really waste money, this is it.

In Conclusion, I Vibe with this Place

I didn't even talk about this bit!

I've gone to Disney World eight times so far, and they keep giving me more and more reasons to go back, and inevitably move there. The design put into Galaxy's Edge is some of the finest in the world, and even if you're not a Star Wars fan, I'd recommend a visit. And if you do, TAKE ME WITH YOU.

Questions? Comments? Weird cravings? Feel free to tell them at https://twitter.com/Colonel_Colin. Until next time, keep blueing those milks!

Let's Imagineer 3: Steel Ball Ride

Before, we start, lets go over what was discussed at D23 and my predictions!

• I got everything wrong.

Now, onto the idea!

Gonna take my horse to the Old Town Road

Why? Why not!

I was captivated two years ago when S&S announced two years back that they wanted to revive the old Steeplechase coaster design. For those who don't know, it's a design from the early 1900's involving horse-shaped cars on single-rail track. Due to (probably) safety reasons, most of them are now gone, barring one at Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

Blackpool: the Jersey shore of England!

A revival of this classic design got me pretty excited, but I've yet to see anyone say they're going to buy one. Which I feel is a shame, because I have a good idea of what it can be used for...

This is where it gets weird...

Lookin' like a Versace cover over here.

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure is one of the most insane, darkest, and confusing franchises to come out of Japan. The franchise focuses on members of the Joestar family throughout the decades and an alternate universe. The fights are intense, a lot of dogs die, and everything is named after music. If you want a good summary of the franchise, watch this.

It's split into 8 parts, and given that the steeplechase coaster is mostly known for looking like horses racing, we'll use part 7: Steel Ball Run. It's a delightful story about Johnny Joestar, a crippled jockey in a horse race across the United States in the late 19th century who's told by the spirit of Jesus Christ to kill the president of the United States, Funny Valentine, who wants to use Jesus' corpse to make America the greatest country in the world. And no, I did not make a word of that up.

Also, there's a guy who can turn into a dinosaur.

It's one of the most insane stories in fiction, and if there's a part that you could turn into a ride, it's this. Oh, yeah, before we start:

POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR STEEL BALL RUN

There, now we can get into it.

"Welcome to the Steel Ball Run!"

Coming to Universal Studios Japan is a thrilling new ride based on one of the most beloved manga in history! Collect yourself, hop up on that horse, and hope to Pucci that you have a stand, because you're going to race in the Steel Ball Run!

Our ride is located in where else but the San Francisco section of the park. As you enter the queue, you are greeted with an animatronic Steven and Lucy Steel, who lay down what this race is and how you should be prepared. Rumor has it that President Funny Valentine will be watching, though he may have some ulterior motives...

A lovely couple with a 37-year age difference!

You also learn about some of the racers and their backstories, like the tragic American Johnny Joestar, the cheerful yet ruthless Gyro Zeppeli, and the mysterious and threatening Diego Brando. Eventually, you meet your steed, climb aboard, and go to the starting line. As you reach the top of the first lift hill, the horses take off and the race is on!

Now, here's where it gets interesting; steeplechase coasters are known for multiple tracks. This coaster will have them, but they will split off to different show scenes, depending on your track; either Johnny Joestar, Gyro Zeppeli, or Lucy Steel. I can't go into much detail about the scenes, but through projection and hologram technology, you'll be able to see their stands Tusk, Ballbreaker, and Ticket to Ride as they face off against foes like Ringo Roadagain and his stand Mandom, Diego Brando and his stand Scary Monsters, and eventually Funny Valentine himself and his stand Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.

"Welcome to the true man's world."

"Bloody country-fucks! I'll climb to the top of society!"

Instead of a quote, I'll just show Mister President shotgunning a beer.

The ride itself may not be too intense, but the scenes you'll see will be, blending action, comedy, and drama all at once to create an experience the likes of which we've never seen before.

"Arigatou, Gyro..."

Now, I'm sure you're wondering: "Colin, you sexy scamp, isn't this a bit too dark for a theme par that primarily caters to families?". That's why I chose a park that once had a JJBA attraction, albeit a temporary one.

Hey kids, ever want to see a knife get thrown through your neck in 3-D?

Will a steeplechase roller coaster based on Steel Ball Run ever happen? Probably not. But is it possible? You bet your ass. But what do you think? Give me your thoughts at my Twitter @Colonel_Colin. I'm always welcome to hear new ideas, so if there's anything you want me to talk about, feel free to ask! Until next time, here's a little suggestion on how to deal with the problems in your life.

God, why can't it just be annual...

People, we are steadily approaching a fantastic event that happens only once every two years: D23. Quite possibly the greatest of conventions, and this coming from someone who's been to World's Greatest Hobby On Tour! Yeah, it's that big. For me, at least.

Finally, this will help give my life meaning!

Sadly, I will not be able to attend the festivities for a few reasons, one of the more prominent being school starting 3 weeks earlier now, because they want to leave their students with as little joy as possible. Still, it can be fun to speculate what they might show off and reveal at their 3 big presentations: Disney+, Film, and Theme Parks. With that being said, here's a list of what either I think will be shown off or what I hope to see the most. Let's get into it!

And before we start, some of you may say "Isn't Disney an evil corporation?". Well, so is every other corporation. Don't cherry-pick. This may be another post.

Finally, a preexisting company's streaming service I can get behind!

Oh boy, how I love throwing money at them!

Anyway, Disney+ launches this November, letting me live out my dream of watching Stuck in the Suburbs whenever I want, a dream that I'm sure is shared by many others.

This masterpiece makes Cinderella look like Monsters University.

I believe that most of the announcements at this panel will be about the new programming. We'll probably get trailers for a few of them, especially Lady and the Tramp and The Mandalorian. There are two projects, though, that I really want to see more about: the Imagineering documentary, and the Oswald the Lucky Rabbit series.

I've been obsessed with imagineering for at least a decade now, so a documentary or docuseries (they have not been clear on which it is) on the subject is something I've been craving for a while. You know what else I've been craving for a while? For Disney to do something with Oswald. And now they're doing that too, so I am very happy about this.

"Aw, yeah! This is happening!"

"Popcorn? At the Cinema?"

Now, for the one panel the general public actually cares about!

The Walt Disney Studios panel is probably the biggest of the show, covering the upcoming film releases from the various movie-making divisions of this giant company. It's also the one that I have the least to talk about. I predict trailers for Rise of Skywalker, Black Widow, Onward, Maleficent: Mistress of Evil and Frozen 2. But that's some of the more obvious stuff.

The stuff that's less likely, but still possible, includes a trailer for Soul. That was only announced recently, but the Onward trailer came out pretty early, so this isn't too far out. I could also definitely see them announcing a sequel to Zootopia, ever since Tony Lister mentioned working on one earlier this year, as shown here. I mean, it grossed over a billion dollars, and it's weird that they haven't really done much with it yet. Well, except in theme parks, soon, but that's not yet.

Now, this may be a bit of a stretch, but given the success of Mary Poppins Returns, there's a small chance that they may announce something that's hand-drawn. A lot of people have asked for that, and if there's a company that could make a high-grossing non-CGI animated movie in this day and age, it's Disney.

The location that's best at combating my depression!

To quote Some Jerk with a Camera: "Theme parks, where you show your feet who's boss!".

And finally, we cover the panel I care the most about. There are plenty of exciting theme park developments coming, and they aren't replacing Country Bear Jamboree or Enchanted Tiki Room, so suck on that, Tom Corello!

(Note to my several readers: Don't use WDWNT. They suck.)

Disney has already announced that they will extensively cover the planned renovations and expansions to EPCOT, so that's probably the most anticipated part of the presentation. They'll also probably give some news about the upcoming Marvel land being built at Disney's California Adventure, as well as the Guardians of the Galaxy coaster also coming to EPCOT, as well as the Ratatouille ride. Info on Hollywood Studios would likely detail Rise of the Resistance, the Star Wars hotel, and Mickey and Minnie's Runaway Railway.

Adding new stuff to your least-visited park? And yet it's been 6 years since Michigan's Adventure has gotten anything. Take notes, Cedar Fair!

For international parks, we'll probably get some news about the Walt Disney Studios Park expansion that was announced last D23, as well the expansion at Tokyo DisneySea that was announced then as well. I could also see them giving more details on the new land based on Zootopia being built for Shanghai Disneyland. There's also the three new ships for the Disney Cruise Line, the first of which is set to launch in 2021.

As for the stuff I want to see...

1. A new monorail fleet, or at least a big refurbishment of the current fleet. There's been too many accidents with these recently, and I'd rather that their most iconic transportation method is of higher quality.
2. A real-life Bob's Burgers. Yes, I've talked about this before, but it would just work so well! I don't know where to put it, but it should happen! Maybe DCA, I don't know.
3. Electric cars for Autopia and Tomorrowland Speedway. Smelly gasoline ain't futuristic. Kinda ruins the aesthetic of the land.
4. If the rumors about Aerosmith's contract not being renewed are true, than a retheme of Rock'n'Roller Coaster. Now I would love to see Weird Al in a Disney park ride, but Doggans made a good argument for a different idea here.
5. More single rider lines. Disney needs way more of these. If there are attractions that they can make one for, then they should. C'mon, my local Six Flags has as many as the entirety of Disney World.
6. New Journey into Imagination. I actually haven't been on any of the three incarnations, but there are people who have heavy feelings about this, so, why not.
7. Announce a partnership with Brightline and build a train station at Disney World. Not too related to the parks, but we should support rail travel, especially with our administration trying to screw it over as best they can.
8. Add another Zootopia land somewhere in Florida. Hey, I don't wanna have to go to a country with an even worse government than ours for this, alright?
9. More ciders at dining locations. It's the type of booze I like the most, and I wish for there to be more options.
10. A real-life Paddy's Pub. Okay, this is next to impossible, but fuck it, this would be awesome too! Plus, we already know the signature dish.

"Goddamn it Frank. Eating your drinks? That's genius."

That's all I can think of for now. Anyway, what are you hoping they'll announce? What do you expect them to show off? Do you think my predictions have validity, or do you think they're bullshit? Let me know at @Colonel_Colin on Twitter. Until then, have fun waiting in agonizing anticipation!